http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-martini_lunch

Bring it back! Fuck the tax write off, just bring the three-martini-lunch back. And while we’re at it, find me a bartender that actually knows how to make an Old Fashioned.
Seriously, bartenders of America take some fucking pride in your trade and learn how to mix this fucking drink. For that matter, have some fucking Bitters in your bar. They fucking make them to be put into mixed drinks, shouldn’t it be in the fucking Official-Fucking-Bar-Keeping-Code or something, to always have bitters in your fucking bar? What the fuck!
I always at least try. Every decent bar I’ve been in (not a pub, I only get beer in a pub {I’m not a complete asshole [though, enough of one to go for TRIPLE parentheses]}) I always test the waters by ordering an Old Fashioned, and with at least 200 tries, I’ve only gotten one moderately successful result; from a dive in Staten Island, a few miles from the Navy pier, mixed by a man that had to be over seventy years old.

Here it is, true believers, the proper way to mix an Old Fashioned:

Dissolve a small lump of sugar with a little water in a whiskey-glass;
add two dashes Angostura bitters, a small piece ice, a piece
lemon-peel, one jigger whiskey. Mix with small bar-spoon and serve,
leaving spoon in glass.

It should look like a glass of aged-clogged-urinal-piss… Complete with unspeakables floating at the bottom.

What you’ll do is; put about a tsp of sugar in an “Old Fashioned” Glass, which is a sort of short stubby bar glass (probably like your dick, if you didn’t know) now you’ll pour only enough warm or hot water over it to dissolve that sugar… two tsp at the most. Now add a thin slice of orange and lemon (with peel) and a dash or two of Angostura bitters. At this point you “muddle” it up, with a spoon or some other short blunt object, mortar and pestle style. When you’ve made a thorough mess of the orange and lemon and dissolved the sugar, toss in three ice cubes and pour your whiskey or bourbon (about three shots) and stir. Top with a maraschino cherry, if you have a vagina, and enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: If this isn’t how you like to mix the old fashioned cocktail, FUCK YOU.