SARACANITE

…….Tricky-Dick is on the road so please forgive me for my low contribution rate as of late (if anyone out there even gives a flaming rat’s ass)
…….Please allow me make this entry a little more personal than my usual fare… as a simple gesture that I hope will illustrate, indeed, I do still care. With luck this may even be the first entry in a larger ongoing work that will become my travel journal. How lame.

…….There aren’t any happy hours in Walla Walla, Washington. Beer is no less than three dollars a bottle, no matter where you go, and there isn’t anything on draft that won’t give you a framing hammer headache. Walla Walla, and perhaps greater Washington state, is a refuge for beer snobbery.
…….Allow me to elaborate; the hotel I’m staying at, the Marcus Whitman, has a restaurant with a bar. A real schmancy place, not schmancy enough for Angostura bitters, but schmancy none the less. Pricks. Anyhow, anywhere I go, I always order draft beer. There once was a time I only ever ordered longnecks but the reason for that change of mind, is a story for another time. I noticed they had three beers on tap. Two of them were obviously pretentious microbrew swill and the third was Guinness. Not wanting to blow a $3 bill on garbage I asked the barman for a Guinness. Well a few Guinness’ later I asked him how his night was going. He told me it wasn’t bad but the only tap that was pouring was the Guinness tap. I knew that he meant that the other two taps were effed up, but I told him the best way to fix that was to put a Bud Light tap up there. It was a joke. And I was pretty proud of how laconic it rolled out. But he didn’t laugh. Beer Snob.
…….Cigarettes are too expensive to smoke, and the price of a shot of liquor will put you on skid row.
…….The roads are narrow and the there doesn’t seem to be a standard place for traffic lights to be located; some are directly above their intersection, some are over the far side of the road, some are located on either corner, some only over one corner… sometimes all on the same street.
…….The streets are shaded by hundreds of immense scaly grey trees whose shallow roots have crept beneath and buckled the pavement every hundred paces or so. The road lines come and go sporadically, and entire lanes disappear and reappear, without any foreseeable rhyme or reason.
…….Everyone drives like they don’t know what the speed limit is and they’ve got a cop on their ass. As a visitor, I was constantly unsure of where my next turn was, so I was constantly hesitating behind the wheel… and yet I couldn’t help noticing how everyone else on the road seemed to be driving the exact same way. Like a jackass without a clue of where he was going.
…….The cops are ruthless stalkers with dark blue cars that have low profile lights that could pass for luggage racks. Nuff’ said.
…….Every business follows the “we’re open whenever we fucking feel like being open” policy. Do you need gasoline? Is it past 7pm? Well then, good luck buddy.
…….Some additive in the water supply makes it impossible to have an ordinary bowel movement. Don’t fart in Walla Walla.

Stay tuned for more lengthy and tedious updates to this boring experement. To make it more fun, try to determine which entries were composed during a drunken state.