SARACANITE

Alright humans, I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for me to finally unveil the finest chili yet conceived by man. I give you…

I call it that because it will answer a question on every Goth’s mind: What does a corpse fart smell like?
Special Equipment:

• Dutch Oven or a jumbo cast iron skillet with lid
• Metal Spatula

Ingredients
The amounts are static. Just get it close and it’ll come out fine. But if I may make one suggestion it’s to have your ingredients ready to go before you start. I tried to order them in the most logical way, but the truth is, there’s so many of ’em that it’s very easy to forget what’s next (even for someone as great as me)

ATTACK #1

• 2 pounds of ground beef (preferably lean)
• 2 medium onions (coarsely chopped)
• 8 cloves of garlic (minced or crushed)
• 2 tspn steak seasoning
• 12 whole Peppercorns
  

ATTACK #2

• 2 tbsp Worcestershire
• 2 tbsp cider vinegar
• (4 tbsp of either one is fine too)

ATTACK #3

• 4-5 Jalapeo Peppers (minced w/ seeds and membranes)
• 2 Red Peppers (or 2 Green peppers or 5 Anaheim peppers or whatever you got)
• 1 tspn Crushed Red Pepper
• 1 tspn Cayenne Pepper

ATTACK #4

• 9-10 roma tomatoes (whole)
• 3 tbsp Chili Powder
• 2 1/2 cups frozen corn off the cob
• 6-8 fresh mushrooms (coarsely sliced)
• 40oz Can of Red Kidneys & juice (dark red is what I use)
• 2 1/2 tspn Italian Seasoning
• 1/2 tspn Sage
• 1/2 tspn celery salt
• 1/4 tspn Garam Masala
• 1/2 tspn Season Salt
• 2 Bay leaves

Topping (shaken together in Tupperware)

• 1lb Jack cheese (grated)
• 3-4 tbsp fresh Cilantro (minced)
• 1 tspn lime juice

Process:

1. (Attack #1) Heat dutch oven to medium heat over range. If using lean beef add about a tablespoon of oil to pan. Add ground beef, onions, garlic, pepper, and steak seasoning. Mix well with a metal spatula.
2. (Attack #2) Add vinegar and Worcestershire. Stir occasionally until beef is browned. If using fatty beef, take the opportunity to skim off some of the grease. Some leftover is good.
3. (Attack #3) Stir in Peppers, Crushed Red and Cayenne. Stir constantly for about 5 minutes.
4. (Attack #4) Add the rest of the ingredients. Stir well taking care to bury the tomatoes in the mixture.
5. Increase heat and bring it all to a boil. Lower heat back to medium and cover and simmer for an hour.
6. Stir occasionally and scrape the bottom with spatula to keep it from sticking.
7. Uncover and cook for an additional 30 minutes. This reduces the liquid a bit and intensifies the flavor.
8. Serve in bowls and top with cheese mixture or you can pour it over rice or soak a crusty piece of cornbread in it, or even toasted tortillas. Whatever. Wash your hair with it for all I care.
   

This is some serious chili. It may be a bit spicy for people who can’t tolerate spicy food, but it isn’t friggin’ rite of passage hot. I actually like a little more heat than this, but I’ll tell you something: even if you don’t taste the heat, you’ll feel it smoldering in your stomach as soon as you swallow your first bite. In fact this is pretty much instant heart-burn. When in doubt throw a big gob of sour cream on top. T
hat’ll cool it down for your resident wimp.

So sit back and enjoy a hot bowl of Tricky’s Chili, and say “Good-bye” to any unwanted intestinal parasites, because they’ll be running out of you like they’re being chased by Jason Voorhees.

This is a visual representation of my Chili stalking intestinal parasites within your colon.