A word on whiskey:



First of all, congratulations for choosing the one true booze. Stop crying on the bar and reward yourself with a Merle Haggard song!

You have three basic categories of booze: clear liquors, liqueurs and brown liquors. Let me see if I can break it down for you…

• Clear liquors attempt to disguise their inherent poisonousness by tasting as flavorless as possible, or failing that, they actually try to fool you into thinking that they’re good for you by being infused with medicinal herbs. Examples include vodka, rum, gin, ouzo, and rocket fuel.
  
• Liqueurs (which is actually French for sweet vomit) attempt to hide their low quality with large amounts of sickeningly sugary syrup and artificial colors and flavors. Truly schnapps is the “Thunderbird” of the hard liquor world.
• Finally, brown liquors, being the wisest of all the booze families, know that it’s folly to deny that they are booze and are supposed to taste terrible. So using the kind of tilted logic that one could only get from whiskey, they decide to not even try disguise their godawful flavor, but to instead COMPLIMENT it with another flavor that was never meant to be tasted by humans: Wood! It’s like Flintstones logic, but it fucking works. (when done right)
  

Second of all, the proper way to drink whiskey, is to drink it straight. That is to say “straight up” and without any soda, juice, or mixed with other spirits.

Only a goddamn fool would mix a good liquor (of any kind) with soda. I’m sorry, but if you make a goddamn White Russian with Belvedere, then you are a fucking twat. If you want a mixed drink, go ahead and make it with cheap-o stuff. Rich and Rare or Black Velvet or whatever. If you want to drink the good stuff, you drink the good stuff for the purpose it was made to be the “good stuff” in the first place… to be drank alone.

To drink whiskey properly, you grab a glass of suitable magnitude. The heavier the better. Obviously plastic will not do. This is a spirit that has aged for at least three years, and if you care for quality, its spent a good six years (or more) aging in an oak barrel before it made it to your sorry ass, so give it some respect and put it in a nice glass (it’s what separates us from the beasts for chrissakes)

Of coarse you would pour it over ice when you do.



Now, there are plenty of wimps who would add water at this point… don’t be one of them. Some old Irishman devoted his whole miserable life to making that whiskey as smooth as it could possibly be. Respect it enough to taste it for what it is.

If it’s too strong: Drink it slower. Slow down, and the ice will melt and water it down HONORABLY. You want to taste it. If that means you have to sip it, then sip it! Don’t slam it in one gulp to prove you’re Billy Bad-Ass. It isn’t about bravado. It’s about not wasting it. Drinking whiskey quietly and slowly will provide all the bravado you need.


Anyhow, when you procure that bottle of whiskey, you throw it in the freezer… until you’re good and ready to be a man. That goes for any ladies out there too… toughen up…

Alright humans, I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for me to finally unveil the finest chili yet conceived by man. I give you…

I call it that because it will answer a question on every Goth’s mind: What does a corpse fart smell like?
Special Equipment:

• Dutch Oven or a jumbo cast iron skillet with lid
• Metal Spatula

Ingredients
The amounts are static. Just get it close and it’ll come out fine. But if I may make one suggestion it’s to have your ingredients ready to go before you start. I tried to order them in the most logical way, but the truth is, there’s so many of ’em that it’s very easy to forget what’s next (even for someone as great as me)

ATTACK #1

• 2 pounds of ground beef (preferably lean)
• 2 medium onions (coarsely chopped)
• 8 cloves of garlic (minced or crushed)
• 2 tspn steak seasoning
• 12 whole Peppercorns
  

ATTACK #2

• 2 tbsp Worcestershire
• 2 tbsp cider vinegar
• (4 tbsp of either one is fine too)

ATTACK #3

• 4-5 Jalapeo Peppers (minced w/ seeds and membranes)
• 2 Red Peppers (or 2 Green peppers or 5 Anaheim peppers or whatever you got)
• 1 tspn Crushed Red Pepper
• 1 tspn Cayenne Pepper

ATTACK #4

• 9-10 roma tomatoes (whole)
• 3 tbsp Chili Powder
• 2 1/2 cups frozen corn off the cob
• 6-8 fresh mushrooms (coarsely sliced)
• 40oz Can of Red Kidneys & juice (dark red is what I use)
• 2 1/2 tspn Italian Seasoning
• 1/2 tspn Sage
• 1/2 tspn celery salt
• 1/4 tspn Garam Masala
• 1/2 tspn Season Salt
• 2 Bay leaves

Topping (shaken together in Tupperware)

• 1lb Jack cheese (grated)
• 3-4 tbsp fresh Cilantro (minced)
• 1 tspn lime juice

Process:

1. (Attack #1) Heat dutch oven to medium heat over range. If using lean beef add about a tablespoon of oil to pan. Add ground beef, onions, garlic, pepper, and steak seasoning. Mix well with a metal spatula.
2. (Attack #2) Add vinegar and Worcestershire. Stir occasionally until beef is browned. If using fatty beef, take the opportunity to skim off some of the grease. Some leftover is good.
3. (Attack #3) Stir in Peppers, Crushed Red and Cayenne. Stir constantly for about 5 minutes.
4. (Attack #4) Add the rest of the ingredients. Stir well taking care to bury the tomatoes in the mixture.
5. Increase heat and bring it all to a boil. Lower heat back to medium and cover and simmer for an hour.
6. Stir occasionally and scrape the bottom with spatula to keep it from sticking.
7. Uncover and cook for an additional 30 minutes. This reduces the liquid a bit and intensifies the flavor.
8. Serve in bowls and top with cheese mixture or you can pour it over rice or soak a crusty piece of cornbread in it, or even toasted tortillas. Whatever. Wash your hair with it for all I care.
   

This is some serious chili. It may be a bit spicy for people who can’t tolerate spicy food, but it isn’t friggin’ rite of passage hot. I actually like a little more heat than this, but I’ll tell you something: even if you don’t taste the heat, you’ll feel it smoldering in your stomach as soon as you swallow your first bite. In fact this is pretty much instant heart-burn. When in doubt throw a big gob of sour cream on top. T
hat’ll cool it down for your resident wimp.

So sit back and enjoy a hot bowl of Tricky’s Chili, and say “Good-bye” to any unwanted intestinal parasites, because they’ll be running out of you like they’re being chased by Jason Voorhees.

This is a visual representation of my Chili stalking intestinal parasites within your colon.

You Too can Learn to Cook! All You Have to do is Really Believe!

||||||Here it is: About three years ago, I didn’t know how to fry a pork-chop without totally fucking it. And if I cracked an egg, it was into a hangover tonic. I lived on the “dollar menu”, Top Raman and Hooter’s wings. I had the typical bachelor fridge contents: Beer, baking soda, a few condiments and the ubiquitous container of Chinese food that was so rancid that it was just best not to be disturbed. Lets check the freezer… Ah! A half gallon bottle of Jameson Whiskey and some ice cubes. The cupboards contained my menagerie of exotic and frightening potted meats and aerosol cheese spreads.

||||||I started to feel foolish for not knowing how to cook anything. Being a good cook is manly; and here I am, I didn’t even know how to grill a steak, or even get a grill started. What kind of sorry milquetoast excuse for a man does that make me? So I bought a few cookbooks at some thrift stores and picked up a crock pot and started learning.

||||||There were a few terrible mistakes and a few good ones too. Every time I made a dish I make it better than I did the last time. I learned that it isn’t chemistry, and you don’t have to (and usually shouldn’t) follow the recipe to the letter. I also learned that baking bread IS chemistry and if you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing there, you’re really going to fuck some shit up. Eventually you get a sense for what you can get away with, and you’ll be able to do everything by eye.

||||||If I’ve never made a certain dish before, I take two or three different recipes for the same thing. I look them over and sort of graft them together. That way you aren’t missing anything. You’ll have a good idea of what you tolerances are for ingredients and cooking time/temperature. I’ll cook it and I’ll write down the what I did with the bastard recipe and (depending on how it comes out) what I should do the next time I make it. After I’ve made the dish a few times and I’m satisfied with it, I’ll write down the recipe in the back of my favorite cook book.

||||||I cook all of my own food now, and every day. And I’m very proud of the food I make. It takes a little effort, and some of my evenings totally revolve around preparing food, but it’s worth it, and as your skills go up so will the amount of fun you have!

God, I’m such a fag.

As some of you already know. I used to be in the service of Uncle Sam’s Navy. Bittersweet years to be sure, but there are a number of tips, tricks, skills, and super powers that I acquired during those years that make every time I got drunk and raped by a marine totally worth it. Paramount of these is my immunity to Rim-Fire.

For any laymen out there, “rim-fire” is a medical catch-all term referring to any condition that is the result of MLVSFTAS or Molten-Lava-Violently-Shooting-From-The-Ass Syndrome. MLVSFTAS afflicts an estimated 100% of Americans every year, usually during travel.

Physical symptoms include Molten Lava Violently shooting from one’s ass. Psychological symptoms can range from weeping on the toilet and wishing for a bidet, to socially crippling fart fear. It is believed to be at least partly caused by over sensitive “secondary taste buds” located on the mucous membrane just within the anus. These are most often triggered by the zesty spicy flavor of what-ever it was you ate last (usually large amounts of Capsaicin derived from many edible peppers)

“Well, that’s great information, Dick. But how do I protect myself and my family from Rim-Fire?”

Well I’m glad you asked. You see, there isn’t much you can do about the “voilently shooting from the ass” part. But you CAN keep it from feeling like molten lava when it does. All it takes is some “intestinal fortitude” (damn I’m good)

Here’s how I cured myself of Rim-Fire permanently… and completely by accident:

While stationed on my first ship, the USS Shreveport (LPD 12), I noticed one day that they added sliced pickled jalapeos to the salad bar in the galley. They previously had pickled whole jalapeos that were of dubious quality, but these new ones were very much like the ones I would buy at the store for like $6 a jar. Awesome!

So being the beyond frugal tight wad that I am, I made it a point to take advantage of this and get my jalapeo fix while on board the ship.

Normally I would have brought a jar with me to work and filled it up at lunch time and smuggled jalapeos home every day, but as it was, we were on deployment, which means there was no going home at the end of the day because we were underway in the North Arabian Sea, on a seven month cruise. Therefore the only thing I could do to “take advantage” was to eat as many as I could stand with every meal. So thats what I did.

Some ships have plates, but the Shreveport had trays with little compartments on them, just like you have in primary school. What I would do, is fill one of those compartments with peppers and sit down and eat them with my meal. Lunch and Dinner. Every day.

“Well, how did you avoid getting Rim-Fire, Dick?”

Simple. I DIDN’T. Every day found me breathing heavy in a cold sweat, white knuckles gripping the toilet seat. Sometimes trembling over the prospect of my ass delivering a second, or a third load of what had to have been nitric acid. When I finished, I’d inspect my dropping and find that all had dissolved into the water, leaving only seeds and stems floating like driftwood on a marbled sea of green.

“Why the hell did you keep eating them then?”

I kept eating them because I really am that cheap. I will admit, however, that I have oft used myself as a guinea pig, and the extreme boredom encountered on a 7 month deployment will cause one to overlook the soul-destroying pain involved in experiments in giving oneself diarrhea… well for me anyway. So I suppose the novelty of sabotaging my own bowels may have had a certain attraction.

The Point is: Every day it became a little more tolerable and eventually the pain ceased entirely. As if I’d burned those taste buds right off. And the whole process took maybe a month. Now I can eat anything.

I’m not afraid of food poisoning or stomach viruses anymore either. If I eat something that I suspect may have been crawling with parasites, I just go ahead and gulp down a swallow of El Yucateco or some Tabasco, and let my stomach acid take care of the rest. No food poisoning.

fin

(part II)

Some people would rather not think of certain truths because they are inconvenient or unpleasant, so they purposely stay oblivious to the horrors in this world… They delegate their responsibility to determine what is right and what is wrong to other people, and in doing, empower those other people to commit terrible atrocities in the name of money or protecting the status quo.

Being dumb isn’t faultless. No one “ends up dumb”. We’re all born dumb. It’s just that allot of us fail to become smart. Which is a real shame because the only thing you’ll ever really own is your mind, and to allow yourself to become intellectually lazy, is the greatest crime against oneself that one could ever commit.

For the crimes being commited every day, in the name of the American people, the ignorant and the apathetic among us are the guiltiest of all. Enjoying the food, warmth, and shelter provided by the backs of other people who tried to build a better world than this one.

• Links to come….

Link to Conspiracy Hell part I

I think Dyson finally made a mistep…
Hey at least there’s no filter to change!

Finally! Some feet that sex me up… oh yeah…

Welcome,
(amd brace yourself for an onslaught of horrors that will curdle your very blood)
VIOLETHEMLOCK!
to my hall of…

Ram’s horn nails. Your sweet, cute, grandmother is probably hiding a set of these claws… remember that.

Having extra toes is like having an extra earwax gland. Except grosser. And cooler.

Still arguing, creationists?

Tiny Chinese feet. Before soiled pantie machines were invented, those Asian men were pretty kinky.

Inversely, this giant foot is crushing babies… BABIES! Are you not moved, Internet? Are you not entertained?

Currently I’m reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I’ve been meaning to read it for a very long time, and for the last several months I have also been traveling extensively so I figured now was an appropriate time.

Its very good book, of coarse, and very interesting because just as it was dubiously claimed to have been written in only several coffee fueled bursts of energy; if the reader pays close attention, they will find certain ideas and words and even writing styles floating in and out, never to establish a pattern… Totally betraying the absence of any deeper meaning. Just as one might adopt a certain figure of speech for a number of days until novelty wears off, and then abandon it utterly. If it was a calculated move to emulate spontaneity then it’s a brilliant technique.

Anyhow, it got me interested in learning more about the main characters, being that the book is pretty much taken directly from Jack’s life these were real people. Mostly though, I’d never imagined that someone could write about a pack of amoral reprobates so casually, and in goddamn 1951 no less.
…But that was the beginning of this sterile modern age. And these guys were so alienated by control and conformity and the artificial falseness of civilized life, that they clawed at it’s fabric and stabbed at it and ripped it open to find something raw and bloody and visceral. And that was the whole of their aesthetic. I admire that. But damn, the price amazes me.

So I started actually reading about William S. Burroughs and Niel Cassidy, and among others, Kerouac himself. I am amazed to learn that they were even shadier in life than in the pages of this book. I’m talking DEPRAVED. Too many terrible things happened around this group of highly educated men. Horrors.


I have had more than my fair share of drug fueled experiments in terror, and I will continue until the day I die (hopefully by misadventure) And I also understand the value of the visionary and the intellectual value of what these men have accomplished. I’m just remarking about how these guys, who are champions of American culture, were totally fucked in the head.

And now to cement my coolness, I randomly referance Abe Vigoda.

http://www.mcescher.com/Gallery/back-bmp/LW395.jpg

Yeah it looks like a cool place to visit but I bet their gravity sucks…
You know what? MC Escher and HP Lovecraft would have one hell of a creative team-up.In addition to them both having the little two initial thing going on, they were both totally gay for Non-Euclidean geometry.
Ok, take this little city right here: Couldn’t you totally imagine it populated by people who were all uniformed in gray cloaks lined in red, plodding slowly along with their faces partially covered by a scarf wrapped around the head? And you approach one and ask something like “Hey where the fuck am I?” and they all simultaneously stop and turn to you, hissing with glaring milky lifeless eyes. And you notice that their what you can see of their faces are squirming as if beneath their skin was a thousand ravenous centipedes.
Wow that would be awesome.

OK everything but the pecker. In fact, if my dong was this tiny, I think that would have cemented my atheism at a much earlier stage…

Doug Henning, Freddie Mercury…

Separated at birth?

http://www.texaschapbookpress.com/magellanslog72/rosecolored.htm

We’re all so fucked…