A word on whiskey:



First of all, congratulations for choosing the one true booze. Stop crying on the bar and reward yourself with a Merle Haggard song!

You have three basic categories of booze: clear liquors, liqueurs and brown liquors. Let me see if I can break it down for you…

• Clear liquors attempt to disguise their inherent poisonousness by tasting as flavorless as possible, or failing that, they actually try to fool you into thinking that they’re good for you by being infused with medicinal herbs. Examples include vodka, rum, gin, ouzo, and rocket fuel.
  
• Liqueurs (which is actually French for sweet vomit) attempt to hide their low quality with large amounts of sickeningly sugary syrup and artificial colors and flavors. Truly schnapps is the “Thunderbird” of the hard liquor world.
• Finally, brown liquors, being the wisest of all the booze families, know that it’s folly to deny that they are booze and are supposed to taste terrible. So using the kind of tilted logic that one could only get from whiskey, they decide to not even try disguise their godawful flavor, but to instead COMPLIMENT it with another flavor that was never meant to be tasted by humans: Wood! It’s like Flintstones logic, but it fucking works. (when done right)
  

Second of all, the proper way to drink whiskey, is to drink it straight. That is to say “straight up” and without any soda, juice, or mixed with other spirits.

Only a goddamn fool would mix a good liquor (of any kind) with soda. I’m sorry, but if you make a goddamn White Russian with Belvedere, then you are a fucking twat. If you want a mixed drink, go ahead and make it with cheap-o stuff. Rich and Rare or Black Velvet or whatever. If you want to drink the good stuff, you drink the good stuff for the purpose it was made to be the “good stuff” in the first place… to be drank alone.

To drink whiskey properly, you grab a glass of suitable magnitude. The heavier the better. Obviously plastic will not do. This is a spirit that has aged for at least three years, and if you care for quality, its spent a good six years (or more) aging in an oak barrel before it made it to your sorry ass, so give it some respect and put it in a nice glass (it’s what separates us from the beasts for chrissakes)

Of coarse you would pour it over ice when you do.



Now, there are plenty of wimps who would add water at this point… don’t be one of them. Some old Irishman devoted his whole miserable life to making that whiskey as smooth as it could possibly be. Respect it enough to taste it for what it is.

If it’s too strong: Drink it slower. Slow down, and the ice will melt and water it down HONORABLY. You want to taste it. If that means you have to sip it, then sip it! Don’t slam it in one gulp to prove you’re Billy Bad-Ass. It isn’t about bravado. It’s about not wasting it. Drinking whiskey quietly and slowly will provide all the bravado you need.


Anyhow, when you procure that bottle of whiskey, you throw it in the freezer… until you’re good and ready to be a man. That goes for any ladies out there too… toughen up…