Alright humans, I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for me to finally unveil the finest chili yet conceived by man. I give you…

I call it that because it will answer a question on every Goth’s mind: What does a corpse fart smell like?
Special Equipment:

• Dutch Oven or a jumbo cast iron skillet with lid
• Metal Spatula

Ingredients
The amounts are static. Just get it close and it’ll come out fine. But if I may make one suggestion it’s to have your ingredients ready to go before you start. I tried to order them in the most logical way, but the truth is, there’s so many of ’em that it’s very easy to forget what’s next (even for someone as great as me)

ATTACK #1

• 2 pounds of ground beef (preferably lean)
• 2 medium onions (coarsely chopped)
• 8 cloves of garlic (minced or crushed)
• 2 tspn steak seasoning
• 12 whole Peppercorns
  

ATTACK #2

• 2 tbsp Worcestershire
• 2 tbsp cider vinegar
• (4 tbsp of either one is fine too)

ATTACK #3

• 4-5 Jalapeo Peppers (minced w/ seeds and membranes)
• 2 Red Peppers (or 2 Green peppers or 5 Anaheim peppers or whatever you got)
• 1 tspn Crushed Red Pepper
• 1 tspn Cayenne Pepper

ATTACK #4

• 9-10 roma tomatoes (whole)
• 3 tbsp Chili Powder
• 2 1/2 cups frozen corn off the cob
• 6-8 fresh mushrooms (coarsely sliced)
• 40oz Can of Red Kidneys & juice (dark red is what I use)
• 2 1/2 tspn Italian Seasoning
• 1/2 tspn Sage
• 1/2 tspn celery salt
• 1/4 tspn Garam Masala
• 1/2 tspn Season Salt
• 2 Bay leaves

Topping (shaken together in Tupperware)

• 1lb Jack cheese (grated)
• 3-4 tbsp fresh Cilantro (minced)
• 1 tspn lime juice

Process:

1. (Attack #1) Heat dutch oven to medium heat over range. If using lean beef add about a tablespoon of oil to pan. Add ground beef, onions, garlic, pepper, and steak seasoning. Mix well with a metal spatula.
2. (Attack #2) Add vinegar and Worcestershire. Stir occasionally until beef is browned. If using fatty beef, take the opportunity to skim off some of the grease. Some leftover is good.
3. (Attack #3) Stir in Peppers, Crushed Red and Cayenne. Stir constantly for about 5 minutes.
4. (Attack #4) Add the rest of the ingredients. Stir well taking care to bury the tomatoes in the mixture.
5. Increase heat and bring it all to a boil. Lower heat back to medium and cover and simmer for an hour.
6. Stir occasionally and scrape the bottom with spatula to keep it from sticking.
7. Uncover and cook for an additional 30 minutes. This reduces the liquid a bit and intensifies the flavor.
8. Serve in bowls and top with cheese mixture or you can pour it over rice or soak a crusty piece of cornbread in it, or even toasted tortillas. Whatever. Wash your hair with it for all I care.
   

This is some serious chili. It may be a bit spicy for people who can’t tolerate spicy food, but it isn’t friggin’ rite of passage hot. I actually like a little more heat than this, but I’ll tell you something: even if you don’t taste the heat, you’ll feel it smoldering in your stomach as soon as you swallow your first bite. In fact this is pretty much instant heart-burn. When in doubt throw a big gob of sour cream on top. T
hat’ll cool it down for your resident wimp.

So sit back and enjoy a hot bowl of Tricky’s Chili, and say “Good-bye” to any unwanted intestinal parasites, because they’ll be running out of you like they’re being chased by Jason Voorhees.

This is a visual representation of my Chili stalking intestinal parasites within your colon.

You Too can Learn to Cook! All You Have to do is Really Believe!

||||||Here it is: About three years ago, I didn’t know how to fry a pork-chop without totally fucking it. And if I cracked an egg, it was into a hangover tonic. I lived on the “dollar menu”, Top Raman and Hooter’s wings. I had the typical bachelor fridge contents: Beer, baking soda, a few condiments and the ubiquitous container of Chinese food that was so rancid that it was just best not to be disturbed. Lets check the freezer… Ah! A half gallon bottle of Jameson Whiskey and some ice cubes. The cupboards contained my menagerie of exotic and frightening potted meats and aerosol cheese spreads.

||||||I started to feel foolish for not knowing how to cook anything. Being a good cook is manly; and here I am, I didn’t even know how to grill a steak, or even get a grill started. What kind of sorry milquetoast excuse for a man does that make me? So I bought a few cookbooks at some thrift stores and picked up a crock pot and started learning.

||||||There were a few terrible mistakes and a few good ones too. Every time I made a dish I make it better than I did the last time. I learned that it isn’t chemistry, and you don’t have to (and usually shouldn’t) follow the recipe to the letter. I also learned that baking bread IS chemistry and if you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing there, you’re really going to fuck some shit up. Eventually you get a sense for what you can get away with, and you’ll be able to do everything by eye.

||||||If I’ve never made a certain dish before, I take two or three different recipes for the same thing. I look them over and sort of graft them together. That way you aren’t missing anything. You’ll have a good idea of what you tolerances are for ingredients and cooking time/temperature. I’ll cook it and I’ll write down the what I did with the bastard recipe and (depending on how it comes out) what I should do the next time I make it. After I’ve made the dish a few times and I’m satisfied with it, I’ll write down the recipe in the back of my favorite cook book.

||||||I cook all of my own food now, and every day. And I’m very proud of the food I make. It takes a little effort, and some of my evenings totally revolve around preparing food, but it’s worth it, and as your skills go up so will the amount of fun you have!

God, I’m such a fag.