COLE SLAW THAT DOESN’T SUCK FOR A CHANGE!

If you’re like me, you are very vary apprehensive of trying a new coleslaw. Trying coleslaw is like playing Russian roulette, except that instead of blowing your brains out, you’ll only WISH you blew your brains out. It’s either awfully good or God-awful. I can honestly say that I’ve never had a home aide coleslaw that I liked.
This however, is the motherfucking best slaw in the world period(.) You’d have to be a real fucking mouthbreather to fuck this one up. If you do, you’re a fucking moron and deserve to be gang raped by a tribe of barb-dicked howler monkeys. But you won’t, so don’t worry.

When Nat laid down the law… the results were delicious.

You will need:

• 1/2 small green cabbage grated with a very coarse cheese grater. Don’t use a blender.
• 1/3 cup of mayo (I use Helmann’s or Dukes)
• 2 heaping tablespoons of dill relish or sweet pickle relish (dill is way better)
• 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 teaspoon of celery seed
• 1/4 teaspoon of kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon of fresh ground pepper
• 2 teaspoons of honey
• a dash each of season salt and red pepper flakes

Put everything in a bowl and mix together. You may want to add a little more mayo if you like your coleslaw to be a liquid mess. Whatever. I won’t judge your pudgy ass.

UPDATE: Sprinkle in a dash or two of Garam Masala. Changes the whole taste. It goes from coleslaw to fucking manna hurled from Mt. Vesuvius. Holy shit!

You Too can Learn to Cook! All You Have to do is Really Believe!

||||||Here it is: About three years ago, I didn’t know how to fry a pork-chop without totally fucking it. And if I cracked an egg, it was into a hangover tonic. I lived on the “dollar menu”, Top Raman and Hooter’s wings. I had the typical bachelor fridge contents: Beer, baking soda, a few condiments and the ubiquitous container of Chinese food that was so rancid that it was just best not to be disturbed. Lets check the freezer… Ah! A half gallon bottle of Jameson Whiskey and some ice cubes. The cupboards contained my menagerie of exotic and frightening potted meats and aerosol cheese spreads.

||||||I started to feel foolish for not knowing how to cook anything. Being a good cook is manly; and here I am, I didn’t even know how to grill a steak, or even get a grill started. What kind of sorry milquetoast excuse for a man does that make me? So I bought a few cookbooks at some thrift stores and picked up a crock pot and started learning.

||||||There were a few terrible mistakes and a few good ones too. Every time I made a dish I make it better than I did the last time. I learned that it isn’t chemistry, and you don’t have to (and usually shouldn’t) follow the recipe to the letter. I also learned that baking bread IS chemistry and if you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing there, you’re really going to fuck some shit up. Eventually you get a sense for what you can get away with, and you’ll be able to do everything by eye.

||||||If I’ve never made a certain dish before, I take two or three different recipes for the same thing. I look them over and sort of graft them together. That way you aren’t missing anything. You’ll have a good idea of what you tolerances are for ingredients and cooking time/temperature. I’ll cook it and I’ll write down the what I did with the bastard recipe and (depending on how it comes out) what I should do the next time I make it. After I’ve made the dish a few times and I’m satisfied with it, I’ll write down the recipe in the back of my favorite cook book.

||||||I cook all of my own food now, and every day. And I’m very proud of the food I make. It takes a little effort, and some of my evenings totally revolve around preparing food, but it’s worth it, and as your skills go up so will the amount of fun you have!

God, I’m such a fag.

LEG OF LAMB FOR THE CHARCOAL GRILL!

I don’t know if I want to hug it or lop off its head and drink it’s warm blood directly from it’s still pumping heart. Know what I mean?
Lamb is as delicious as it is adorable. And it is my stern belief that the flavor of lamb is directly proportional to the amount of wolfish self loathing involved in the preparation. The more tears of pity wept over the unconsecrated flesh of a once sprightly prancing innocent creature of springtime… truly the sweeter it is. But beyond mere morbid enthusiasm for the sordid morality behind the meal, lamb evokes to me, a more primeval time. Its greasy, its almost gamy…. And like any other sweet underage meat, it needs to be vigorously massaged with lotion.
You will need:

PASTE
* 2 teaspoons of whole cumin seed.
* 1 teaspoon of whole black peppercorns.
* 1 teaspoon of whole allspice.
* 3-4 large cloves of garlic.
* 1 teaspoon of kosher salt.
* 2-3 tablespoons brown sugar.
* 1/2 teaspoon of Italian seasoning or dried oregano.
* 1/2 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes.
* 2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil.
* 1 tablespoon of lemon juice.

* A good sized leg of lamb roast. Preferably boneless (if not you’ll have to de-bone and butterfly that sumbitch)
* About 1/2 cup of finely chopped fresh mint.

SAUCE
* 1 cup of sour cream
* 1/4 cup of Dijon mustard
* 1 tablespoon finely chopped mint (leftover from above)
* 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
* 3 tablespoons of Honey
1)Smash the cumin and pepper with a mortar and pestle. They need to be fucking pulverized. Pretend they were your old research partner that left you for dead in a "lab accident" and stole your formula for cold fusion to go on to make millions. And for all these years of learning how to walk again, the only thing on your mind has been revenge… Add all remaining ingredients of paste and go apeshit on them too, until the paste is… pasty….
2) Now to dress your lamb, cut it to allow it to be unfurled like a glorious meat flag. You will want it to be no thicker than 1 1/2" at any one point. If it is, just butterfly that one area.
3) Now rub that meat with the paste. Use it all up. Inside and out. Spread the chopped mint all along the inside (saving a bit for the sauce) and roll it up. You have to tie it in this position. I like to just wrap my twine around in a spiral rather than tying 20 separate strings. Whatever.
4) Now that you’ve made your lamb-roll, wrap it tightly in cling wrap and store it in the fridge. Anyhow when you’re ready to go, get your grill started up and mix the ingredients for your sauce together in a bowl until smooth. Lamb is the stuff of sacrificial rites and chanting cave people. It deserves a good fire. Get your grill ready for medium high heat. Rake your coals to the edges and place a drip pan in the center. A pie pan or an old pot with an inch or so of water will suffice.
5) Okay here you go, throw it on the grill directly over your fire, fat side down. Grill for about 25 minutes. Keep the lid down as much as possible, and yet be watchful out that it doesn’t catch fire. If the lid is opened you introduce oxygen to the coals causing them to flare up, you are also allowing heat to escape; however, if you never look, the lamb is sure to be engulfed in flames the moment you leave your vigil by the grill. This occurrence is known as Schrodinger’s BBQ Lamb Paradox.
6) Turn and flip it and grill with the lid down for an additional 15 minutes for medium rare.